Funny How Things work out

I have never really thought about how everything seemed to align when I met my husband. I was not out looking for anyone. I remember when my mom would tell me that she was praying for my future husband. This use to make me angry because I thought all Godly men were wimpy and no fun. As a rebellious teen, this was the last thing that I wanted! I had everything planned. I was going to marry a wealthy man, finish college, have a great career (ruling the world) and then have a child...all by the age of 26. Ha. Funny how we spend so much of our time planning our lives. I wonder how much I could have accomplished while I was busy planning instead of doing. 

I remember when I met him. He was so cute and my sister and I saw him at a car wash. He had a jeep, which was a big plus at the time :) I was too shy to go up and talk to him, but please believe I saw him looking as well. He finished washing his Jeep and left, I assumed that was the last I would see of him. It was not like I lost sleep over it, because I did not even know him and at the time I thought there were "plenty of fish in the sea."  Little did I know that my mother's prayers were being put into motion. I never thought (and still struggle with believing) that God answers the prayers of His faithful. I remember every morning getting up and seeing my mother kneeling, because she was praying on our behalf.  I can still it, the red rocking chair, her bible and the lamp on early in the morning. I swear there were imprints where her knees had been there every morning over the years. I have never been a faithful praying person. In fact, when people ask me to pray; I have this overwhelming feeling and then become cynical to hide the fact that I do not believe that God will hear or even answer in the way one would hope. I get frustrated because He does not answer, thinking that He always answered my mom's prayers without considering all that she had prayed for that had gone unanswered or not how she had hoped.  In fact, Steve and Maggie are the only one's that I know for sure that were answered. Perhaps one day I will see all that He has answered. I will be shocked, I am sure, and saddened by all the blessings that I ignored.

I also remember thinking that I would never have children. That I would be "barren" and I was beginning to be "okay" with this. So I quit my full time job and went about planning my future..ha. Three weeks before I started school I became pregnant with Maggie. I remember the shock, tears, terror, anger, and happiness. I was a mess to say the least. I just remember thinking, okay..this is NOT what I planned! But I am so thankful for my unanswered prayer, the one where I married the rich man and conquered the world.

I think there is a verse about counting your blessings and I do not do enough of this. I am beginning to think it will help me get through the hard times.  We are facing a tough road ahead and all I can hold on to is that He answers, I just have to understand that it will not be according to my plan.

Being Nice

So being nice, that is what we all ultimately want from one another. I do not walk into a room hoping that someone will be mean to, however, I walk in ready for it just in case. I do not want to be the mean person that everyone is dreading. I want to be the person everyone is happy to see and say.."man, she sure is a nice person." So I had this patient that was testing every fiber of my being, especially my niceness. He was moody and hard to please, which seems to be a running theme among a lot of patients.  I am not sure why this is. I look back to when I have been a patient and think, "I tried to be as good as possible and gracious." I think it stemmed from how I was raised and also that I believe I am some sort of a visitor and I have to be nice when I am in the hospital. It could just be my southern upbringing and the heavy emphasis on "southern hospitality".
With that said, I am always shocked at bad behavior in the hospital. I know they tell us in Nursing 101 to be prepared for anything and shocked by nothing. I also know that most people in the hospital are facing some sort of crisis and are using whatever coping skills they have. I guess mine are being nice and way to obliging. I hold needles for my nurses, I pee in the cup the way they tell me to; basically I do whatever is asked of me and try and not complain. I usually end up feeling guilty when I do whine and apologize. Does this make me a people pleaser?  I believe it does on some level. I want those that are not in my inner circle to think that I am this wonderful, caring and giving individual meanwhile those that are nearest and dearest have to bear the brunt of my greediness and laziness.
I was told by a family member that everyone has had to endure my sarcasm and irrational behavior but say nothing because it is easily overlooked...huh. How do you overlook something that bothers you so much? My favorite part was when I asked for examples, I was told that he/she did not have to give me examples. This annoys me to no end. I can remember hurtful or bothersome things someone has said or done to me.  Maybe I dwell to much on the past or I just have a great memory.

I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who notices my character flaws, it is just that I am the only one ready and willing to point out everyone else's when it directly affects me.  Have I not reached the higher level of functioning where I am more concerned about others instead of dwelling on how one has affected me? I want to be a positive affect on people, I think that is why I chose nursing.  The problem is, when am I going to take the focus off of me and put it on others?

So am I just being nice to save face? Perhaps. I am glad that at least I can recognize this flaw, however, when it comes time to change it...am I going to be persistent enough to make it a permanent change or just a temporary fix to meet my need of "feeling needed"?

Ah life, ain't it grand!

Sisterly Love

I am not sure why, but I seem to be able to stay angry at people for a very long time, God included. 

As long as I can remember my dad pounded into our heads that family was most important. I think a lot of this stemmed from his own family's lack of closeness and his fear that we would end up that way. My sisters have been my best friends and confidants, we shared (stole) each others clothes; listen to each other complain about boyfriends and husbands; been on each other side even if we knew she was in the wrong; cried together and laughed together; fought like cats and dogs; loved each other unconditionally; loyal to each other and defended each other when one was being picked on...I could go on.

We each are individuals and cannot expect that things will always remain the same. We are all married and have children, we are "grown-ups" for lack of a better word. I have been really busy with school and have not been able to spend as much time with them as I would like, but I believe that I have a valid excuse. Maggie and Steve, must and always, come first.

My sister just had her first child on April 29, 2011 and I was so excited for her. I had an exam the next day but had studied in advance so I could afford to take a break and be there for her.
Okay, for sake of not getting long winded...blah, blah...baby boy born, perfect...my second to youngest sister in attendance with her two children and a whole bunch of other people. Now, lest my readers forget, I AM A NURSING STUDENT (about to graduate), also just finished up my pediatric and OB/GYN rotation. So who better to know any dangers that can befall a newborn and precautions that need to be taken. So..I have a habit that I am not proud of and I know what needed to be done to "protect" the little one, so I washed my clothes in hot water, took a shower with antibacterial soap, and DID NOT smoke a cigarette because I knew that I would want to hold the baby.

So the nurses bring my sister and her baby to the room and begin repeating over and over that there is a gown in the room for those that smoke and they need to wear it if they are going to hold the baby. I am thinking, okay, gotcha (but remember, my cleansing ritual--because I am a freaking nurse and I know what needs to be done and my family is AWARE that I know). Blah, blah..mother - n - law saying over and over...no one will need the gown, Nurses: whoever smokes needs to wear the gowns..this goes on for at least 5 times, and I am thinking, these must be ADN's because they are not understanding how to use therapeutic communication because they were quite unprofessional..I digress. At this point my sister (with the two children) begins to repeat over and over to everyone that the gown is for JOY, the gown is for JOY---and I am thinking shut the F up! Of course it is expected that this particular sister is allowed to be a big mouth and it should be overlooked...I am cool with character flaws, we all have them. However, I am not cool with you thinking you can subject me to them and I am to say nothing.
So flash back to Oct. 23, 2007 (at least that is what I am doing at that point). Feeling left out and excluded
I am wanting to walk up and slap my sister at this point, but instead I stay in the hallway. I am embarrassed and upset. I never go to see him or hold him because so many were in the room, kissing on him with their germ infested mouths and putting him against their dirty clothes. Tell sis that I am upset with her and I leave because I have to get home and hit the books again. Get a phone call from said sis, being shocked that to find out I was upset. Umm, what part of "I am mad at you" is hard to understand? I told her at the hospital I was angry, but she does this...acts as if "you" are the one with the problem..not her.
Oh, well. It has taken me forever to tell a stupid story about getting my feelings hurt and allowing something that happened a long time ago affect the "feelings" I felt at that moment. My bad. I will try harder and get better medication so I can be numb and not let anything bother me. Isn't that what we all want, to not have to be sensitive to others..just ourselves?

Death and Dying

So I have a classmate that has just been diagnosed with untreatable Cancer. I do not know her that well, I do remember her from school but we were not close.  I had no idea that she was going through this and she just received the news that she is going to die...soon.
Why am I not shocked? Why am I not crying? Where is my empathy or sympathy? I am not sure if being exposed to so much sickness and dying has been good for me. They always tell you in Nursing School that you cannot become to attached to patients because you will eventually get burned out. I understand this, but I feel that I am taking it to the extreme. I work on an Oncology floor and see so many faced with this diagnosis and have watched some pass away in the Hospital. I have been charged with taking care of them and I find myself trying to be caring but at the same time trying to accomplish an assigned task due to my patient load

I remember as a child I would cry for others when they were experiencing heartache or loss but over the years I have noticed a 180 degree turn in what I once saw as a part of my personality. I am not sure where I lost this...could be the bitterness that I am still carrying with me over my own losses. Perhaps there are things that I need to let go of so that I may better serve others and be open to share with them in their trials. 

Wish I could do that

So I was upset today because feeling the pressure to take Mag's to see everyone on Easter. I like for her to get to see her cousins and I know she loves it, but when do I get to say..we are a family and we are going to celebrate at our home!! I saw that a friend of mine said that she was feeling selfish with her daughter because her family sees her daughter more than she does (at least she believes this to be true) and she is not going anywhere for Easter and they are staying home and celebrating as a family! JEALOUS!! I hinted to Steve that this was my desire but he is still so afraid to upset his mother that he will negate my feelings just to keep the peace with her...when or did I loose the power? I am not sure he understands just how I feel about this. I am always doing something school related or working so I only see Mag's a few hours a day and she still refuses to let me put her bed. So, what is a mom to do? Do I be what some of my family member would label as bitchy, and keep her home and we have our own fun or do I continue to give in and go to everyone's house to keep the peace? I remember as a child, the grandparents could come over if they wanted but the only time we went there was Christmas. I know my grandparents were not nearly as involved in my life as they are Mag's and I am thankful that she has grandparents that actually want her around, but I should not feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my daughter. My husband's grandmother use to say, "let me hold her, you see her all the time." Oh how this statement made me see red and her laid out on the floor!! She does not understand that since her birth I have been working and going to school full time and I was paying her to spend 8 hours a day with my daughter! But at the time I was still passive and unsure, now I know that I would respond to this statement differently (minus the punching). I am not sure if we will ever be able to have more children, but I have learned so much about myself and I have made a commitment to myself that I will not suffer guilt and belittlement at the hands of anyone, especially family! There are times that I am envious of those that live far away from relatives because I believe that they are better able to form closer family bonds between mother and father and children. Okay rant over...maybe

Have I made the right choice?

I had a simulation today at school...first of all, I was up very late into the night working on one of the many projects they assign, I was tired, moody and stressed.  Needless to say I did not have the best attitude going into this and I never take these things seriously because I feel they waste so much of time anyway so how can this be any better? My situation involved a woman with preeclampsia and she had come to the Dr. complaining of headache..blah blah. Had to give her medication and send her to the hospital. My issue is that right now I am so distracted with Steve needing a job, having to work night shift on the weekend, trying to figure out who is going to watch Maggie for me, (what are the side effects of Mag Sulfate and how fast do you give it IV push), how are we going to get the car fixed, (what was the doctors name and the patients), how am I going to get all my assignments done, when am I going to study for all these tests, (why is the teacher being a smart ass), these people have no clue that I am losing it and about to walk out, (I need to be medicated, better call the real dr), how am I going to sleep all day tomorrow when sis is having a birthday party for her daughter (that she expects me to come to)..these are just a sampling of what was running through my minds the entire day. What is frustrating is that I cannot tell them this, they do not care..I understand that..I signed up for this. My question after this experience today was...do I really want to do this and have I made a mistake? I am really angry and bitter right now and that is coming across loud and clear to everyone, esp people at school. I always thought I wanted to be a nurse, but now that I am almost there I am beginning to question myself and my abilities. This is nothing new...I seem to bitch and moan a lot on this blog..perhaps I should change things up..hey a girl's gotta have dreams right!

Another one bites the dust

All of this studying is getting old! I am so ready to be done taking tests and graduate. I wish that I had not put this off for so long...I could have been graduated 7 years ago..way before Maggie was born that way there would not be the tension and guilt of having to give up time with her to do something school related. It is difficult to have classmates that are young, not married and without children because they cannot understand why you cannot go out with them. Oh well, I am not doing this for them or to make friends. I seem to have this attitude in everything I do..I start a new job and my defense mechanism is "I am not here to make friends", but then I start to feel lonely and left out. Maybe I should stop alienating myself from people. Open up and not be afraid to let them see that I do care and do not want to be alone...I think we all need that someone that we can talk to, trust with our deepest, darkest secrets and know that they are not judging you.  I find it a bit concerning that I do not really have any close friends, I have people that I call my friends but none that I consider close enough to share my thoughts with or to form a long lasting bond. I am not sure if this is in part to the Bipolar depressive part, could be...but I am finding myself even alienating myself from my husband, I am not sure but it feels like resentment. I have no clue where this is coming from and I cannot pinpoint any event that has caused me to feel this way towards him. What worries me is that this is how I usually get out of relationships. I slowly pull away, making sure it is not that noticeable until finally we are not talking or just fly by night friends. I do not have any friends that I can say that I have been friends with for years, more like people I talk to every now and then. I think I can safely say that I what I thought would happen when "I grew up" did not happen. We make all these plans and then, well we either follow through or we don't..me, I tend towards not. Is it laziness, perhaps. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and there are times I feel like it is more of a burden...then again I wouldn't be typing this if it didn't bother me. Maybe one day I will "grow out" of this phase, but let's get real, I am 30 years old. I am pretty much set in stone.

Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar and all the other fun things

I cannot begin to describe how angry I am getting at people for the smallest things. For instance, my parents bought a car that was supposed to be used by all of the family in the event that they have to put their care in the shop or whatever...but it seems that one of my family members has basically claimed this vehicle as their own. I just think, must be nice to not have a car payment. But what really gets me is that they are using my parents kindness and generosity and doing nothing in return. I loan out Steve to my dad for help with the handyman work :) and I provide as much medical care as I am capable. It is truly my intention to get my doctorate in order that I can provide care for family and friends who would otherwise not have access to help. I know that there are those of us out there that do not "qualify" for help but we do not have the extra money to take care of our health. I have struggled with this issue and I want it to be my ministry.  What makes me angry is that this person seems to take and do nothing in return for others. I realize that I cannot force my own beliefs on people, but I just see this as a common courtesy.
So this was supposed to be about stress, blah blah. Steve is in the process of trying to get a job, I am in the crunch time of the semester and trying to work nights and go to school, Maggie is going through her defiant stage and all of this added together equals melt down by me!! I feel so bad for doing this because Steve needs me to be supportive during this difficult time, but I seemed to be so internally preoccupied that I cannot see the forest for the trees.
Steve got a response email about a job but it requires 6 months of him being out the country for training! Any other mother would not see this as a problem, but I on the other hand am thinking of nothing but what am I going to do with Maggie alone!! Who will distract her while I feverishly studying for a test for the next day, who will take her to daycare so I can sleep in since I was up all night? I realize that I am not a traditional mother and keep lying to myself, saying that once I am finished with school that I will change., but come on! I am 30 years old and have yet to change! I have not progressed to the higher stage of being concerned with others and doing things that benefit them..I am concerned with the here and now and not tomorrow. I am not a future thinker, I stress over the future but I can't see the big picture. I live in the moment during stressful times and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Notes on Nursing

Currently I am taking an Ethics class and the teacher is bringing up subjects that effect me in real life at work. I am constantly faced with trying to "hurry" things because I have too many patients to care for, but being a tech at this point I really have nothing to stand on when I feel that I have too large of a patient load. The Nurse Mgr seems to think that nothing goes on at night on my floor so there are many nights that I am the only one taking care of 19 patients and that can be a back breaking 12 hour experience.  I talked with my professor about how being a tech is negatively influencing my thoughts about nursing and patient care.  There are times that I find myself saying, "I will not be a floor nurse for the rest of my life" and "I cannot handle this, if I have to clean up another mess I am out of here!" I always thought that I was a caring person and that I genuinely wanted to help people but there are times that I think patients think they are the Ritz and ask me to do things that not even a butler would do. The idea of getting "well" is to return to pre-illness functioning but I do not think patients think about the ramifications of staying in the bed and expecting total care. I understand if they are unable to do things and I am more than willing to help those who cannot help themselves, but when I see someone who is totally capable, I have a hard time.  I have found myself resenting my patients and my co-workers. So many have such negative attitudes and it can be very tiring to have to listen to the same dribble day in and day out. There are times that I want to be brutally honest and say..QUIT! I also notice that nurses who have a two year degree have this attitude towards me and I have yet to figure it out...they had the same chance as me to get a 4 year degree. I have student loans and as far as I know anyone can get them...true you are in school longer and that means longer wait until you can start making money whereas an ADN does have the school and gets the same pay...how is that nursing is one of the few professions that pays the same despite one's education level? Does a paralegal make the same as a Lawyer..nope. Does a physical therapy assistant make the same as a Physical Therapist...nope. I am hoping that one day there will be a distinction among a professionally trained nurse versus a technically trained nurse. I am not saying that ADN are not as good as BSN, but there is a difference. I have been trained to see you as whole person, not just using skills to "take care of you."  I am not sure what started this rant, but I tired of the attitude and judgment..I am here to learn and do the best that I possibly can and I assume that you are here for the same reason so why not collaborate?

I try very hard to come across conceited or act that I am better, but I am proud that I am getting my BSN at a respected Nursing School.  Do not force your feelings of inadequacy on me! Rant over!

Tell Me What You Want To Hear

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
--One Republic

I really like this song because I think it describes my personality.  I give all my (personal) secrets away.  Why? I think in some way that I can help others by being so open and honest and not worry what others are thinking. I love that I can be this way, it does not bother me when others stare at me wide eyed when I say the things they are thinking but dare not say. I understand that some things should be kept unsaid, and I try to do this when I know that what I say could hurt someone. But what if someone is hurting and feels all alone? They need to know that they are not alone and they should not be ashamed of how they feel. I do not understand people like my husband. He internalizes everything and then he "explodes" when he has had enough and I left standing there thinking, "what just happened?"  I know in school they are teaching us not to get too personal with our patients, but I see so many suffering just from loneliness. They can handle the disease but what keeps them ill seems to be the lack of human sympathy. I have been taught to be empathic versus sympathetic in order to have a professional relationship with my patients, but is that really what they want? I am sure that not all patients want to hear my story or see me cry with them but there may be that one person that needs my sympathy.
I remember always telling my husband and family that I am not a people person but I think that is just a defense mechanism. I truly believe that God made us want to have other contact with people and I cannot deny that there are times that I wish I had someone I could talk to..I go to dial their number then hang up...why? I start to say, eh I don't really feel like talking or they might make me listen to them yell at their kids while I am having a break down on the other end. Ha. What is sad is that I have friends, I am funny (not bragging, just another defense mechanism) but for some reason I am stuck in this selfish place where I do not want to deal with listening or I start to get annoyed with what they are saying. I should not be this way, but I tend to do this a lot, especially when my sister calls me. She has two children and the entire time I am talking to her she is interrupting to tell her children something. I understand, I have a child and it is like a magnet when I get on the phone. She wants to talk to me and has a million things she needs and lots of questions. That is usually when I say, "hey can I call you back after she is in bed?" This is getting random. Anyway, I just liked the lyrics and thought they pretty much explain what I am thinking when I am surrounded by so much suffering. I think it keeps me sane to share.

I do not want to live in the black hole

The funny thing with bipolar is that you are two different people trapped in one body and both are fighting for dominance. BP2 is not as fun as BP1 because 2 has the depression and usually only acute episodes of mania or hypomania (this is just amped up and feeling good). I love being hypomanic, I get so much done and it is like the dark cloud that has been following me around has been lifted..even if just for a day. It is sad when you can watch commercials for medication for depression and understand the imagery better than the other person watching it with you. Example: Steve and I were watching TV and a commercial for Abilify came on..the woman was talking about depression and there was a large black hole on the ground that kept following her around. Steve did not get it...I had to explain that it was the "black hole" that seems to always be there, waiting to swallow you. I wish I could be as naive as him. It is sad that these commercials make it seem like they have the magic pill that you have been waiting for and that in a few weeks you will be outside playing, talking to people and wanting to live and breathe...not the case for most sadly. I cannot count the different medications that my doctor has tried, all of which have failed. I do not want to be a sad, angry person..I do not want that to define who I am..but if asked that is what I would say. The labile emotions that bombard me daily are exhausting and I would love nothing more than to take the easy way..swallow the magic pill and everything will be "alright".
I am by no means saying that mood medications do not work, they just do not work for me. I have been searching for the cure and one day I hope to emerge from this black hole, but until then I will remain the sad,angry person. I am by no means trying to get sympathy..I just have to state it and move on and that is what I am doing.  I just hope that I do not eventually push everyone away and end up in this hole and not realize that I am living and breathing in it. That is the one nice thing about my s/s..I know they are there and I acknowledge them, what I lack is the capacity to change them! So frustrating!!

Here comes that old feeling again

I should be happy..I keep trying to tell myself that but instead I feel robbed! I am glad that my family does not know about this site because I can spew my thoughts and not have to listen to them or see the looks, like "there she goes again" and "when will she ever get over this?". They do not understand the torture and the grief that I have silently undergone and hidden...mostly as anger or uncaring behavior. I am watching women all around me have children, including my sisters. I have a daughter, a daughter that I thought I would never have and I am so thankful that she is my life...but (there it is..that stupid word "but" that always precedes something good followed by a negative) Ok, from the beginning...I so wanted to have my sweet baby "naturally" and the childbirth experience I had so dreamed of. I prayed and prayed and was faithful (perhaps to a fault) and I was certain that the Lord had said "yes". This was not to be...after laboring for 18 hours and no sleep and no food..I had to relent to the Dr pleas that it might be for not or that it could hurt my precious daughter (the one that I had carried two weeks past my due date, the one that I had been so careful with all those months) so I gave in and had the C-section. Lets just summarize that joyful experience..blah, blah, blah..I passed out, Steve got to show her off to the family and I was in recovery shaking from the drugs, lack of sleep and food. It was not until 1 am that morning that I awoke and had to ask for her. She would not breast feed and found that they had given her a bottle after I specifically stated NOT to. Anyway, by 8am they were telling me that she had a fever and had to go the NICU...um ok. So they whisk her off to the other side of the hospital that I have to drag my weak, edematous, sore abdomen, and heavy heart to every two hours to try in vain to get her take the breast..she wretched and screamed like I was full of poison. Little did I know at the time that poison was taking over my body, I was allowing it to take hold and control me.  The nurses were not much help, they told me that she had to be on a schedule and I had 30 minutes to get her to feed or they would ONCE AGAIN take her and have no choice but to give her a bottle! I finally broke down crying and Steve came to the rescue and told them to back off. I never got her to breastfeed despite my efforts of no sleep and back and forth across the hospital while I watched nurses change shifts and just watch me. I had just began my quest for becoming a nurse and I made a mental note to never allow a patient to suffer mentally or physically...silently, having no one to turn to, to talk to, to offer a shoulder, be an advocate.  I am still angered that no one noticed that I was in the stages of grieving and NO ONE NOTICED..this is something they taught us to look for in our first and second semester of school! So out of my suffering, there will be something learned and a new way that will help others. There are no pictures of her and I together in the hospital, only Steve and her and other various family members. Now I know how a chicken must feel when the farmer takes the eggs she has diligently sat on, cared for, kept warm and worried over. Nothing more than an oven that when it went "ding"; she is no longer needed. Steve and Mom cared for her while I stayed in my bed once we got home. She would cry and I felt Nothing, I was empty. The poison had already done its damage and no one had the antidote. I would listen as they were outside my door deciding if they should just give her the formula instead of what I had pumped. I was full of anger and did not realize at the time, but my stage of grief had moved to the depression phase. I was no longer the person I once knew. I barely ate, only got out of bed to clean myself, to pump and go to the bathroom. Sure I would hold her but then she would cry and here the worried "nanny's" would come and take her, like I was not capable. I allowed this because I thought they knew something I didn't...that I was not capable of caring for my daughter. Once Steve returned to work, I panicked. That meant that me, the incapable mother, would be at home alone with her. So I began to feed the depression with food. I ate all the time, mainly crap. I quit caring...I had worked so hard during my pregnancy to stay fit and healthy and now I was doing everything that I swore that I would not do. I quickly packed on the pounds and tried to hide my shame. I knew people were talking, I was not stupid. I went back to college, consumed with getting into nursing school. I avoided being alone with her and Steve became her "world". I am now paying a price for that. She wants nothing from me. I am not allowed to take her to bed, to school, or give her a bath without a fit for daddy. I have accepted this but I am trying with all that I have to get it back! So I understand when people say, "but you have a healthy, wonderful child and you should be thankful." I am, more than they will EVER know..but they do not understand the loss that I feel, it may not be real to them but it is to me, and shouldn't that be all that matters? All of this to say, when I look at the women around me telling how hard it was, painful and the pushing..I tune out. I do not want to go back there..to that place of anger and rage. Many times I have asked the Lord "why" and He has not answered. All that I seem to be reminded of is that it was my fault and that every sin has it consequence. Let's just say that I was not a woman of "virtue" before I met Steve and I had to have a procedure done to remove precancerous cells from my cervix when I was 21 because of my "escapades." So that for now is the only answer that I have, because I was careless, my punishment has been handed down. Do not get me wrong, I have been blessed in many other areas..I am excelling at school and making great grades..but how does that heal what has been broken and lost?