I do not want to live in the black hole

The funny thing with bipolar is that you are two different people trapped in one body and both are fighting for dominance. BP2 is not as fun as BP1 because 2 has the depression and usually only acute episodes of mania or hypomania (this is just amped up and feeling good). I love being hypomanic, I get so much done and it is like the dark cloud that has been following me around has been lifted..even if just for a day. It is sad when you can watch commercials for medication for depression and understand the imagery better than the other person watching it with you. Example: Steve and I were watching TV and a commercial for Abilify came on..the woman was talking about depression and there was a large black hole on the ground that kept following her around. Steve did not get it...I had to explain that it was the "black hole" that seems to always be there, waiting to swallow you. I wish I could be as naive as him. It is sad that these commercials make it seem like they have the magic pill that you have been waiting for and that in a few weeks you will be outside playing, talking to people and wanting to live and breathe...not the case for most sadly. I cannot count the different medications that my doctor has tried, all of which have failed. I do not want to be a sad, angry person..I do not want that to define who I am..but if asked that is what I would say. The labile emotions that bombard me daily are exhausting and I would love nothing more than to take the easy way..swallow the magic pill and everything will be "alright".
I am by no means saying that mood medications do not work, they just do not work for me. I have been searching for the cure and one day I hope to emerge from this black hole, but until then I will remain the sad,angry person. I am by no means trying to get sympathy..I just have to state it and move on and that is what I am doing.  I just hope that I do not eventually push everyone away and end up in this hole and not realize that I am living and breathing in it. That is the one nice thing about my s/s..I know they are there and I acknowledge them, what I lack is the capacity to change them! So frustrating!!