Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another one bites the dust
All of this studying is getting old! I am so ready to be done taking tests and graduate. I wish that I had not put this off for so long...I could have been graduated 7 years ago..way before Maggie was born that way there would not be the tension and guilt of having to give up time with her to do something school related. It is difficult to have classmates that are young, not married and without children because they cannot understand why you cannot go out with them. Oh well, I am not doing this for them or to make friends. I seem to have this attitude in everything I do..I start a new job and my defense mechanism is "I am not here to make friends", but then I start to feel lonely and left out. Maybe I should stop alienating myself from people. Open up and not be afraid to let them see that I do care and do not want to be alone...I think we all need that someone that we can talk to, trust with our deepest, darkest secrets and know that they are not judging you. I find it a bit concerning that I do not really have any close friends, I have people that I call my friends but none that I consider close enough to share my thoughts with or to form a long lasting bond. I am not sure if this is in part to the Bipolar depressive part, could be...but I am finding myself even alienating myself from my husband, I am not sure but it feels like resentment. I have no clue where this is coming from and I cannot pinpoint any event that has caused me to feel this way towards him. What worries me is that this is how I usually get out of relationships. I slowly pull away, making sure it is not that noticeable until finally we are not talking or just fly by night friends. I do not have any friends that I can say that I have been friends with for years, more like people I talk to every now and then. I think I can safely say that I what I thought would happen when "I grew up" did not happen. We make all these plans and then, well we either follow through or we don't..me, I tend towards not. Is it laziness, perhaps. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and there are times I feel like it is more of a burden...then again I wouldn't be typing this if it didn't bother me. Maybe one day I will "grow out" of this phase, but let's get real, I am 30 years old. I am pretty much set in stone.
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I have wondered how much it will bother me, when I go back to school, to be the oldest one and the only one with a family.
ReplyDeleteAnd the other part, I can sympathize with also. One of the benefits/drawbacks to a large church is that there are so many friends, that you are not expected to be that invested into just one...so you can be an aquaintance with them all instead. Though, I feel like I've pushed past that, I have not formed the kind of deep friendship that I used to have before I lost my closest friendship 11 years ago. But the marriage thing...that's hard. Try so hard to cling and push through that resentful feeling. Marital problems would probably make the depression so much worse. I hate it when I feel resentful and don't know why. It is easy with a spouse, because they're always there, so there an easy target for our emotions and our anger. Praying for you tonight.