I cannot begin to describe how angry I am getting at people for the smallest things. For instance, my parents bought a car that was supposed to be used by all of the family in the event that they have to put their care in the shop or whatever...but it seems that one of my family members has basically claimed this vehicle as their own. I just think, must be nice to not have a car payment. But what really gets me is that they are using my parents kindness and generosity and doing nothing in return. I loan out Steve to my dad for help with the handyman work :) and I provide as much medical care as I am capable. It is truly my intention to get my doctorate in order that I can provide care for family and friends who would otherwise not have access to help. I know that there are those of us out there that do not "qualify" for help but we do not have the extra money to take care of our health. I have struggled with this issue and I want it to be my ministry. What makes me angry is that this person seems to take and do nothing in return for others. I realize that I cannot force my own beliefs on people, but I just see this as a common courtesy.
So this was supposed to be about stress, blah blah. Steve is in the process of trying to get a job, I am in the crunch time of the semester and trying to work nights and go to school, Maggie is going through her defiant stage and all of this added together equals melt down by me!! I feel so bad for doing this because Steve needs me to be supportive during this difficult time, but I seemed to be so internally preoccupied that I cannot see the forest for the trees.
Steve got a response email about a job but it requires 6 months of him being out the country for training! Any other mother would not see this as a problem, but I on the other hand am thinking of nothing but what am I going to do with Maggie alone!! Who will distract her while I feverishly studying for a test for the next day, who will take her to daycare so I can sleep in since I was up all night? I realize that I am not a traditional mother and keep lying to myself, saying that once I am finished with school that I will change., but come on! I am 30 years old and have yet to change! I have not progressed to the higher stage of being concerned with others and doing things that benefit them..I am concerned with the here and now and not tomorrow. I am not a future thinker, I stress over the future but I can't see the big picture. I live in the moment during stressful times and see no light at the end of the tunnel.
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