Funny How Things work out

I have never really thought about how everything seemed to align when I met my husband. I was not out looking for anyone. I remember when my mom would tell me that she was praying for my future husband. This use to make me angry because I thought all Godly men were wimpy and no fun. As a rebellious teen, this was the last thing that I wanted! I had everything planned. I was going to marry a wealthy man, finish college, have a great career (ruling the world) and then have a child...all by the age of 26. Ha. Funny how we spend so much of our time planning our lives. I wonder how much I could have accomplished while I was busy planning instead of doing. 

I remember when I met him. He was so cute and my sister and I saw him at a car wash. He had a jeep, which was a big plus at the time :) I was too shy to go up and talk to him, but please believe I saw him looking as well. He finished washing his Jeep and left, I assumed that was the last I would see of him. It was not like I lost sleep over it, because I did not even know him and at the time I thought there were "plenty of fish in the sea."  Little did I know that my mother's prayers were being put into motion. I never thought (and still struggle with believing) that God answers the prayers of His faithful. I remember every morning getting up and seeing my mother kneeling, because she was praying on our behalf.  I can still it, the red rocking chair, her bible and the lamp on early in the morning. I swear there were imprints where her knees had been there every morning over the years. I have never been a faithful praying person. In fact, when people ask me to pray; I have this overwhelming feeling and then become cynical to hide the fact that I do not believe that God will hear or even answer in the way one would hope. I get frustrated because He does not answer, thinking that He always answered my mom's prayers without considering all that she had prayed for that had gone unanswered or not how she had hoped.  In fact, Steve and Maggie are the only one's that I know for sure that were answered. Perhaps one day I will see all that He has answered. I will be shocked, I am sure, and saddened by all the blessings that I ignored.

I also remember thinking that I would never have children. That I would be "barren" and I was beginning to be "okay" with this. So I quit my full time job and went about planning my future..ha. Three weeks before I started school I became pregnant with Maggie. I remember the shock, tears, terror, anger, and happiness. I was a mess to say the least. I just remember thinking, okay..this is NOT what I planned! But I am so thankful for my unanswered prayer, the one where I married the rich man and conquered the world.

I think there is a verse about counting your blessings and I do not do enough of this. I am beginning to think it will help me get through the hard times.  We are facing a tough road ahead and all I can hold on to is that He answers, I just have to understand that it will not be according to my plan.

Being Nice

So being nice, that is what we all ultimately want from one another. I do not walk into a room hoping that someone will be mean to, however, I walk in ready for it just in case. I do not want to be the mean person that everyone is dreading. I want to be the person everyone is happy to see and say.."man, she sure is a nice person." So I had this patient that was testing every fiber of my being, especially my niceness. He was moody and hard to please, which seems to be a running theme among a lot of patients.  I am not sure why this is. I look back to when I have been a patient and think, "I tried to be as good as possible and gracious." I think it stemmed from how I was raised and also that I believe I am some sort of a visitor and I have to be nice when I am in the hospital. It could just be my southern upbringing and the heavy emphasis on "southern hospitality".
With that said, I am always shocked at bad behavior in the hospital. I know they tell us in Nursing 101 to be prepared for anything and shocked by nothing. I also know that most people in the hospital are facing some sort of crisis and are using whatever coping skills they have. I guess mine are being nice and way to obliging. I hold needles for my nurses, I pee in the cup the way they tell me to; basically I do whatever is asked of me and try and not complain. I usually end up feeling guilty when I do whine and apologize. Does this make me a people pleaser?  I believe it does on some level. I want those that are not in my inner circle to think that I am this wonderful, caring and giving individual meanwhile those that are nearest and dearest have to bear the brunt of my greediness and laziness.
I was told by a family member that everyone has had to endure my sarcasm and irrational behavior but say nothing because it is easily overlooked...huh. How do you overlook something that bothers you so much? My favorite part was when I asked for examples, I was told that he/she did not have to give me examples. This annoys me to no end. I can remember hurtful or bothersome things someone has said or done to me.  Maybe I dwell to much on the past or I just have a great memory.

I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who notices my character flaws, it is just that I am the only one ready and willing to point out everyone else's when it directly affects me.  Have I not reached the higher level of functioning where I am more concerned about others instead of dwelling on how one has affected me? I want to be a positive affect on people, I think that is why I chose nursing.  The problem is, when am I going to take the focus off of me and put it on others?

So am I just being nice to save face? Perhaps. I am glad that at least I can recognize this flaw, however, when it comes time to change it...am I going to be persistent enough to make it a permanent change or just a temporary fix to meet my need of "feeling needed"?

Ah life, ain't it grand!

Sisterly Love

I am not sure why, but I seem to be able to stay angry at people for a very long time, God included. 

As long as I can remember my dad pounded into our heads that family was most important. I think a lot of this stemmed from his own family's lack of closeness and his fear that we would end up that way. My sisters have been my best friends and confidants, we shared (stole) each others clothes; listen to each other complain about boyfriends and husbands; been on each other side even if we knew she was in the wrong; cried together and laughed together; fought like cats and dogs; loved each other unconditionally; loyal to each other and defended each other when one was being picked on...I could go on.

We each are individuals and cannot expect that things will always remain the same. We are all married and have children, we are "grown-ups" for lack of a better word. I have been really busy with school and have not been able to spend as much time with them as I would like, but I believe that I have a valid excuse. Maggie and Steve, must and always, come first.

My sister just had her first child on April 29, 2011 and I was so excited for her. I had an exam the next day but had studied in advance so I could afford to take a break and be there for her.
Okay, for sake of not getting long winded...blah, blah...baby boy born, perfect...my second to youngest sister in attendance with her two children and a whole bunch of other people. Now, lest my readers forget, I AM A NURSING STUDENT (about to graduate), also just finished up my pediatric and OB/GYN rotation. So who better to know any dangers that can befall a newborn and precautions that need to be taken. So..I have a habit that I am not proud of and I know what needed to be done to "protect" the little one, so I washed my clothes in hot water, took a shower with antibacterial soap, and DID NOT smoke a cigarette because I knew that I would want to hold the baby.

So the nurses bring my sister and her baby to the room and begin repeating over and over that there is a gown in the room for those that smoke and they need to wear it if they are going to hold the baby. I am thinking, okay, gotcha (but remember, my cleansing ritual--because I am a freaking nurse and I know what needs to be done and my family is AWARE that I know). Blah, blah..mother - n - law saying over and over...no one will need the gown, Nurses: whoever smokes needs to wear the gowns..this goes on for at least 5 times, and I am thinking, these must be ADN's because they are not understanding how to use therapeutic communication because they were quite unprofessional..I digress. At this point my sister (with the two children) begins to repeat over and over to everyone that the gown is for JOY, the gown is for JOY---and I am thinking shut the F up! Of course it is expected that this particular sister is allowed to be a big mouth and it should be overlooked...I am cool with character flaws, we all have them. However, I am not cool with you thinking you can subject me to them and I am to say nothing.
So flash back to Oct. 23, 2007 (at least that is what I am doing at that point). Feeling left out and excluded
I am wanting to walk up and slap my sister at this point, but instead I stay in the hallway. I am embarrassed and upset. I never go to see him or hold him because so many were in the room, kissing on him with their germ infested mouths and putting him against their dirty clothes. Tell sis that I am upset with her and I leave because I have to get home and hit the books again. Get a phone call from said sis, being shocked that to find out I was upset. Umm, what part of "I am mad at you" is hard to understand? I told her at the hospital I was angry, but she does this...acts as if "you" are the one with the problem..not her.
Oh, well. It has taken me forever to tell a stupid story about getting my feelings hurt and allowing something that happened a long time ago affect the "feelings" I felt at that moment. My bad. I will try harder and get better medication so I can be numb and not let anything bother me. Isn't that what we all want, to not have to be sensitive to others..just ourselves?

Death and Dying

So I have a classmate that has just been diagnosed with untreatable Cancer. I do not know her that well, I do remember her from school but we were not close.  I had no idea that she was going through this and she just received the news that she is going to die...soon.
Why am I not shocked? Why am I not crying? Where is my empathy or sympathy? I am not sure if being exposed to so much sickness and dying has been good for me. They always tell you in Nursing School that you cannot become to attached to patients because you will eventually get burned out. I understand this, but I feel that I am taking it to the extreme. I work on an Oncology floor and see so many faced with this diagnosis and have watched some pass away in the Hospital. I have been charged with taking care of them and I find myself trying to be caring but at the same time trying to accomplish an assigned task due to my patient load

I remember as a child I would cry for others when they were experiencing heartache or loss but over the years I have noticed a 180 degree turn in what I once saw as a part of my personality. I am not sure where I lost this...could be the bitterness that I am still carrying with me over my own losses. Perhaps there are things that I need to let go of so that I may better serve others and be open to share with them in their trials. 

Wish I could do that

So I was upset today because feeling the pressure to take Mag's to see everyone on Easter. I like for her to get to see her cousins and I know she loves it, but when do I get to say..we are a family and we are going to celebrate at our home!! I saw that a friend of mine said that she was feeling selfish with her daughter because her family sees her daughter more than she does (at least she believes this to be true) and she is not going anywhere for Easter and they are staying home and celebrating as a family! JEALOUS!! I hinted to Steve that this was my desire but he is still so afraid to upset his mother that he will negate my feelings just to keep the peace with her...when or did I loose the power? I am not sure he understands just how I feel about this. I am always doing something school related or working so I only see Mag's a few hours a day and she still refuses to let me put her bed. So, what is a mom to do? Do I be what some of my family member would label as bitchy, and keep her home and we have our own fun or do I continue to give in and go to everyone's house to keep the peace? I remember as a child, the grandparents could come over if they wanted but the only time we went there was Christmas. I know my grandparents were not nearly as involved in my life as they are Mag's and I am thankful that she has grandparents that actually want her around, but I should not feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my daughter. My husband's grandmother use to say, "let me hold her, you see her all the time." Oh how this statement made me see red and her laid out on the floor!! She does not understand that since her birth I have been working and going to school full time and I was paying her to spend 8 hours a day with my daughter! But at the time I was still passive and unsure, now I know that I would respond to this statement differently (minus the punching). I am not sure if we will ever be able to have more children, but I have learned so much about myself and I have made a commitment to myself that I will not suffer guilt and belittlement at the hands of anyone, especially family! There are times that I am envious of those that live far away from relatives because I believe that they are better able to form closer family bonds between mother and father and children. Okay rant over...maybe

Have I made the right choice?

I had a simulation today at school...first of all, I was up very late into the night working on one of the many projects they assign, I was tired, moody and stressed.  Needless to say I did not have the best attitude going into this and I never take these things seriously because I feel they waste so much of time anyway so how can this be any better? My situation involved a woman with preeclampsia and she had come to the Dr. complaining of headache..blah blah. Had to give her medication and send her to the hospital. My issue is that right now I am so distracted with Steve needing a job, having to work night shift on the weekend, trying to figure out who is going to watch Maggie for me, (what are the side effects of Mag Sulfate and how fast do you give it IV push), how are we going to get the car fixed, (what was the doctors name and the patients), how am I going to get all my assignments done, when am I going to study for all these tests, (why is the teacher being a smart ass), these people have no clue that I am losing it and about to walk out, (I need to be medicated, better call the real dr), how am I going to sleep all day tomorrow when sis is having a birthday party for her daughter (that she expects me to come to)..these are just a sampling of what was running through my minds the entire day. What is frustrating is that I cannot tell them this, they do not care..I understand that..I signed up for this. My question after this experience today was...do I really want to do this and have I made a mistake? I am really angry and bitter right now and that is coming across loud and clear to everyone, esp people at school. I always thought I wanted to be a nurse, but now that I am almost there I am beginning to question myself and my abilities. This is nothing new...I seem to bitch and moan a lot on this blog..perhaps I should change things up..hey a girl's gotta have dreams right!

Another one bites the dust

All of this studying is getting old! I am so ready to be done taking tests and graduate. I wish that I had not put this off for so long...I could have been graduated 7 years ago..way before Maggie was born that way there would not be the tension and guilt of having to give up time with her to do something school related. It is difficult to have classmates that are young, not married and without children because they cannot understand why you cannot go out with them. Oh well, I am not doing this for them or to make friends. I seem to have this attitude in everything I do..I start a new job and my defense mechanism is "I am not here to make friends", but then I start to feel lonely and left out. Maybe I should stop alienating myself from people. Open up and not be afraid to let them see that I do care and do not want to be alone...I think we all need that someone that we can talk to, trust with our deepest, darkest secrets and know that they are not judging you.  I find it a bit concerning that I do not really have any close friends, I have people that I call my friends but none that I consider close enough to share my thoughts with or to form a long lasting bond. I am not sure if this is in part to the Bipolar depressive part, could be...but I am finding myself even alienating myself from my husband, I am not sure but it feels like resentment. I have no clue where this is coming from and I cannot pinpoint any event that has caused me to feel this way towards him. What worries me is that this is how I usually get out of relationships. I slowly pull away, making sure it is not that noticeable until finally we are not talking or just fly by night friends. I do not have any friends that I can say that I have been friends with for years, more like people I talk to every now and then. I think I can safely say that I what I thought would happen when "I grew up" did not happen. We make all these plans and then, well we either follow through or we don't..me, I tend towards not. Is it laziness, perhaps. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and there are times I feel like it is more of a burden...then again I wouldn't be typing this if it didn't bother me. Maybe one day I will "grow out" of this phase, but let's get real, I am 30 years old. I am pretty much set in stone.