Funny How Things work out

I have never really thought about how everything seemed to align when I met my husband. I was not out looking for anyone. I remember when my mom would tell me that she was praying for my future husband. This use to make me angry because I thought all Godly men were wimpy and no fun. As a rebellious teen, this was the last thing that I wanted! I had everything planned. I was going to marry a wealthy man, finish college, have a great career (ruling the world) and then have a child...all by the age of 26. Ha. Funny how we spend so much of our time planning our lives. I wonder how much I could have accomplished while I was busy planning instead of doing. 

I remember when I met him. He was so cute and my sister and I saw him at a car wash. He had a jeep, which was a big plus at the time :) I was too shy to go up and talk to him, but please believe I saw him looking as well. He finished washing his Jeep and left, I assumed that was the last I would see of him. It was not like I lost sleep over it, because I did not even know him and at the time I thought there were "plenty of fish in the sea."  Little did I know that my mother's prayers were being put into motion. I never thought (and still struggle with believing) that God answers the prayers of His faithful. I remember every morning getting up and seeing my mother kneeling, because she was praying on our behalf.  I can still it, the red rocking chair, her bible and the lamp on early in the morning. I swear there were imprints where her knees had been there every morning over the years. I have never been a faithful praying person. In fact, when people ask me to pray; I have this overwhelming feeling and then become cynical to hide the fact that I do not believe that God will hear or even answer in the way one would hope. I get frustrated because He does not answer, thinking that He always answered my mom's prayers without considering all that she had prayed for that had gone unanswered or not how she had hoped.  In fact, Steve and Maggie are the only one's that I know for sure that were answered. Perhaps one day I will see all that He has answered. I will be shocked, I am sure, and saddened by all the blessings that I ignored.

I also remember thinking that I would never have children. That I would be "barren" and I was beginning to be "okay" with this. So I quit my full time job and went about planning my future..ha. Three weeks before I started school I became pregnant with Maggie. I remember the shock, tears, terror, anger, and happiness. I was a mess to say the least. I just remember thinking, okay..this is NOT what I planned! But I am so thankful for my unanswered prayer, the one where I married the rich man and conquered the world.

I think there is a verse about counting your blessings and I do not do enough of this. I am beginning to think it will help me get through the hard times.  We are facing a tough road ahead and all I can hold on to is that He answers, I just have to understand that it will not be according to my plan.

Being Nice

So being nice, that is what we all ultimately want from one another. I do not walk into a room hoping that someone will be mean to, however, I walk in ready for it just in case. I do not want to be the mean person that everyone is dreading. I want to be the person everyone is happy to see and say.."man, she sure is a nice person." So I had this patient that was testing every fiber of my being, especially my niceness. He was moody and hard to please, which seems to be a running theme among a lot of patients.  I am not sure why this is. I look back to when I have been a patient and think, "I tried to be as good as possible and gracious." I think it stemmed from how I was raised and also that I believe I am some sort of a visitor and I have to be nice when I am in the hospital. It could just be my southern upbringing and the heavy emphasis on "southern hospitality".
With that said, I am always shocked at bad behavior in the hospital. I know they tell us in Nursing 101 to be prepared for anything and shocked by nothing. I also know that most people in the hospital are facing some sort of crisis and are using whatever coping skills they have. I guess mine are being nice and way to obliging. I hold needles for my nurses, I pee in the cup the way they tell me to; basically I do whatever is asked of me and try and not complain. I usually end up feeling guilty when I do whine and apologize. Does this make me a people pleaser?  I believe it does on some level. I want those that are not in my inner circle to think that I am this wonderful, caring and giving individual meanwhile those that are nearest and dearest have to bear the brunt of my greediness and laziness.
I was told by a family member that everyone has had to endure my sarcasm and irrational behavior but say nothing because it is easily overlooked...huh. How do you overlook something that bothers you so much? My favorite part was when I asked for examples, I was told that he/she did not have to give me examples. This annoys me to no end. I can remember hurtful or bothersome things someone has said or done to me.  Maybe I dwell to much on the past or I just have a great memory.

I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who notices my character flaws, it is just that I am the only one ready and willing to point out everyone else's when it directly affects me.  Have I not reached the higher level of functioning where I am more concerned about others instead of dwelling on how one has affected me? I want to be a positive affect on people, I think that is why I chose nursing.  The problem is, when am I going to take the focus off of me and put it on others?

So am I just being nice to save face? Perhaps. I am glad that at least I can recognize this flaw, however, when it comes time to change it...am I going to be persistent enough to make it a permanent change or just a temporary fix to meet my need of "feeling needed"?

Ah life, ain't it grand!

Sisterly Love

I am not sure why, but I seem to be able to stay angry at people for a very long time, God included. 

As long as I can remember my dad pounded into our heads that family was most important. I think a lot of this stemmed from his own family's lack of closeness and his fear that we would end up that way. My sisters have been my best friends and confidants, we shared (stole) each others clothes; listen to each other complain about boyfriends and husbands; been on each other side even if we knew she was in the wrong; cried together and laughed together; fought like cats and dogs; loved each other unconditionally; loyal to each other and defended each other when one was being picked on...I could go on.

We each are individuals and cannot expect that things will always remain the same. We are all married and have children, we are "grown-ups" for lack of a better word. I have been really busy with school and have not been able to spend as much time with them as I would like, but I believe that I have a valid excuse. Maggie and Steve, must and always, come first.

My sister just had her first child on April 29, 2011 and I was so excited for her. I had an exam the next day but had studied in advance so I could afford to take a break and be there for her.
Okay, for sake of not getting long winded...blah, blah...baby boy born, perfect...my second to youngest sister in attendance with her two children and a whole bunch of other people. Now, lest my readers forget, I AM A NURSING STUDENT (about to graduate), also just finished up my pediatric and OB/GYN rotation. So who better to know any dangers that can befall a newborn and precautions that need to be taken. So..I have a habit that I am not proud of and I know what needed to be done to "protect" the little one, so I washed my clothes in hot water, took a shower with antibacterial soap, and DID NOT smoke a cigarette because I knew that I would want to hold the baby.

So the nurses bring my sister and her baby to the room and begin repeating over and over that there is a gown in the room for those that smoke and they need to wear it if they are going to hold the baby. I am thinking, okay, gotcha (but remember, my cleansing ritual--because I am a freaking nurse and I know what needs to be done and my family is AWARE that I know). Blah, blah..mother - n - law saying over and over...no one will need the gown, Nurses: whoever smokes needs to wear the gowns..this goes on for at least 5 times, and I am thinking, these must be ADN's because they are not understanding how to use therapeutic communication because they were quite unprofessional..I digress. At this point my sister (with the two children) begins to repeat over and over to everyone that the gown is for JOY, the gown is for JOY---and I am thinking shut the F up! Of course it is expected that this particular sister is allowed to be a big mouth and it should be overlooked...I am cool with character flaws, we all have them. However, I am not cool with you thinking you can subject me to them and I am to say nothing.
So flash back to Oct. 23, 2007 (at least that is what I am doing at that point). Feeling left out and excluded
I am wanting to walk up and slap my sister at this point, but instead I stay in the hallway. I am embarrassed and upset. I never go to see him or hold him because so many were in the room, kissing on him with their germ infested mouths and putting him against their dirty clothes. Tell sis that I am upset with her and I leave because I have to get home and hit the books again. Get a phone call from said sis, being shocked that to find out I was upset. Umm, what part of "I am mad at you" is hard to understand? I told her at the hospital I was angry, but she does this...acts as if "you" are the one with the problem..not her.
Oh, well. It has taken me forever to tell a stupid story about getting my feelings hurt and allowing something that happened a long time ago affect the "feelings" I felt at that moment. My bad. I will try harder and get better medication so I can be numb and not let anything bother me. Isn't that what we all want, to not have to be sensitive to others..just ourselves?