Death and Dying

So I have a classmate that has just been diagnosed with untreatable Cancer. I do not know her that well, I do remember her from school but we were not close.  I had no idea that she was going through this and she just received the news that she is going to die...soon.
Why am I not shocked? Why am I not crying? Where is my empathy or sympathy? I am not sure if being exposed to so much sickness and dying has been good for me. They always tell you in Nursing School that you cannot become to attached to patients because you will eventually get burned out. I understand this, but I feel that I am taking it to the extreme. I work on an Oncology floor and see so many faced with this diagnosis and have watched some pass away in the Hospital. I have been charged with taking care of them and I find myself trying to be caring but at the same time trying to accomplish an assigned task due to my patient load

I remember as a child I would cry for others when they were experiencing heartache or loss but over the years I have noticed a 180 degree turn in what I once saw as a part of my personality. I am not sure where I lost this...could be the bitterness that I am still carrying with me over my own losses. Perhaps there are things that I need to let go of so that I may better serve others and be open to share with them in their trials. 

Wish I could do that

So I was upset today because feeling the pressure to take Mag's to see everyone on Easter. I like for her to get to see her cousins and I know she loves it, but when do I get to say..we are a family and we are going to celebrate at our home!! I saw that a friend of mine said that she was feeling selfish with her daughter because her family sees her daughter more than she does (at least she believes this to be true) and she is not going anywhere for Easter and they are staying home and celebrating as a family! JEALOUS!! I hinted to Steve that this was my desire but he is still so afraid to upset his mother that he will negate my feelings just to keep the peace with her...when or did I loose the power? I am not sure he understands just how I feel about this. I am always doing something school related or working so I only see Mag's a few hours a day and she still refuses to let me put her bed. So, what is a mom to do? Do I be what some of my family member would label as bitchy, and keep her home and we have our own fun or do I continue to give in and go to everyone's house to keep the peace? I remember as a child, the grandparents could come over if they wanted but the only time we went there was Christmas. I know my grandparents were not nearly as involved in my life as they are Mag's and I am thankful that she has grandparents that actually want her around, but I should not feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my daughter. My husband's grandmother use to say, "let me hold her, you see her all the time." Oh how this statement made me see red and her laid out on the floor!! She does not understand that since her birth I have been working and going to school full time and I was paying her to spend 8 hours a day with my daughter! But at the time I was still passive and unsure, now I know that I would respond to this statement differently (minus the punching). I am not sure if we will ever be able to have more children, but I have learned so much about myself and I have made a commitment to myself that I will not suffer guilt and belittlement at the hands of anyone, especially family! There are times that I am envious of those that live far away from relatives because I believe that they are better able to form closer family bonds between mother and father and children. Okay rant over...maybe

Have I made the right choice?

I had a simulation today at school...first of all, I was up very late into the night working on one of the many projects they assign, I was tired, moody and stressed.  Needless to say I did not have the best attitude going into this and I never take these things seriously because I feel they waste so much of time anyway so how can this be any better? My situation involved a woman with preeclampsia and she had come to the Dr. complaining of headache..blah blah. Had to give her medication and send her to the hospital. My issue is that right now I am so distracted with Steve needing a job, having to work night shift on the weekend, trying to figure out who is going to watch Maggie for me, (what are the side effects of Mag Sulfate and how fast do you give it IV push), how are we going to get the car fixed, (what was the doctors name and the patients), how am I going to get all my assignments done, when am I going to study for all these tests, (why is the teacher being a smart ass), these people have no clue that I am losing it and about to walk out, (I need to be medicated, better call the real dr), how am I going to sleep all day tomorrow when sis is having a birthday party for her daughter (that she expects me to come to)..these are just a sampling of what was running through my minds the entire day. What is frustrating is that I cannot tell them this, they do not care..I understand that..I signed up for this. My question after this experience today was...do I really want to do this and have I made a mistake? I am really angry and bitter right now and that is coming across loud and clear to everyone, esp people at school. I always thought I wanted to be a nurse, but now that I am almost there I am beginning to question myself and my abilities. This is nothing new...I seem to bitch and moan a lot on this blog..perhaps I should change things up..hey a girl's gotta have dreams right!

Another one bites the dust

All of this studying is getting old! I am so ready to be done taking tests and graduate. I wish that I had not put this off for so long...I could have been graduated 7 years ago..way before Maggie was born that way there would not be the tension and guilt of having to give up time with her to do something school related. It is difficult to have classmates that are young, not married and without children because they cannot understand why you cannot go out with them. Oh well, I am not doing this for them or to make friends. I seem to have this attitude in everything I do..I start a new job and my defense mechanism is "I am not here to make friends", but then I start to feel lonely and left out. Maybe I should stop alienating myself from people. Open up and not be afraid to let them see that I do care and do not want to be alone...I think we all need that someone that we can talk to, trust with our deepest, darkest secrets and know that they are not judging you.  I find it a bit concerning that I do not really have any close friends, I have people that I call my friends but none that I consider close enough to share my thoughts with or to form a long lasting bond. I am not sure if this is in part to the Bipolar depressive part, could be...but I am finding myself even alienating myself from my husband, I am not sure but it feels like resentment. I have no clue where this is coming from and I cannot pinpoint any event that has caused me to feel this way towards him. What worries me is that this is how I usually get out of relationships. I slowly pull away, making sure it is not that noticeable until finally we are not talking or just fly by night friends. I do not have any friends that I can say that I have been friends with for years, more like people I talk to every now and then. I think I can safely say that I what I thought would happen when "I grew up" did not happen. We make all these plans and then, well we either follow through or we don't..me, I tend towards not. Is it laziness, perhaps. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship and there are times I feel like it is more of a burden...then again I wouldn't be typing this if it didn't bother me. Maybe one day I will "grow out" of this phase, but let's get real, I am 30 years old. I am pretty much set in stone.

Stress, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar and all the other fun things

I cannot begin to describe how angry I am getting at people for the smallest things. For instance, my parents bought a car that was supposed to be used by all of the family in the event that they have to put their care in the shop or whatever...but it seems that one of my family members has basically claimed this vehicle as their own. I just think, must be nice to not have a car payment. But what really gets me is that they are using my parents kindness and generosity and doing nothing in return. I loan out Steve to my dad for help with the handyman work :) and I provide as much medical care as I am capable. It is truly my intention to get my doctorate in order that I can provide care for family and friends who would otherwise not have access to help. I know that there are those of us out there that do not "qualify" for help but we do not have the extra money to take care of our health. I have struggled with this issue and I want it to be my ministry.  What makes me angry is that this person seems to take and do nothing in return for others. I realize that I cannot force my own beliefs on people, but I just see this as a common courtesy.
So this was supposed to be about stress, blah blah. Steve is in the process of trying to get a job, I am in the crunch time of the semester and trying to work nights and go to school, Maggie is going through her defiant stage and all of this added together equals melt down by me!! I feel so bad for doing this because Steve needs me to be supportive during this difficult time, but I seemed to be so internally preoccupied that I cannot see the forest for the trees.
Steve got a response email about a job but it requires 6 months of him being out the country for training! Any other mother would not see this as a problem, but I on the other hand am thinking of nothing but what am I going to do with Maggie alone!! Who will distract her while I feverishly studying for a test for the next day, who will take her to daycare so I can sleep in since I was up all night? I realize that I am not a traditional mother and keep lying to myself, saying that once I am finished with school that I will change., but come on! I am 30 years old and have yet to change! I have not progressed to the higher stage of being concerned with others and doing things that benefit them..I am concerned with the here and now and not tomorrow. I am not a future thinker, I stress over the future but I can't see the big picture. I live in the moment during stressful times and see no light at the end of the tunnel.