Currently I am taking an Ethics class and the teacher is bringing up subjects that effect me in real life at work. I am constantly faced with trying to "hurry" things because I have too many patients to care for, but being a tech at this point I really have nothing to stand on when I feel that I have too large of a patient load. The Nurse Mgr seems to think that nothing goes on at night on my floor so there are many nights that I am the only one taking care of 19 patients and that can be a back breaking 12 hour experience. I talked with my professor about how being a tech is negatively influencing my thoughts about nursing and patient care. There are times that I find myself saying, "I will not be a floor nurse for the rest of my life" and "I cannot handle this, if I have to clean up another mess I am out of here!" I always thought that I was a caring person and that I genuinely wanted to help people but there are times that I think patients think they are the Ritz and ask me to do things that not even a butler would do. The idea of getting "well" is to return to pre-illness functioning but I do not think patients think about the ramifications of staying in the bed and expecting total care. I understand if they are unable to do things and I am more than willing to help those who cannot help themselves, but when I see someone who is totally capable, I have a hard time. I have found myself resenting my patients and my co-workers. So many have such negative attitudes and it can be very tiring to have to listen to the same dribble day in and day out. There are times that I want to be brutally honest and say..QUIT! I also notice that nurses who have a two year degree have this attitude towards me and I have yet to figure it out...they had the same chance as me to get a 4 year degree. I have student loans and as far as I know anyone can get them...true you are in school longer and that means longer wait until you can start making money whereas an ADN does have the school and gets the same pay...how is that nursing is one of the few professions that pays the same despite one's education level? Does a paralegal make the same as a Lawyer..nope. Does a physical therapy assistant make the same as a Physical Therapist...nope. I am hoping that one day there will be a distinction among a professionally trained nurse versus a technically trained nurse. I am not saying that ADN are not as good as BSN, but there is a difference. I have been trained to see you as whole person, not just using skills to "take care of you." I am not sure what started this rant, but I tired of the attitude and judgment..I am here to learn and do the best that I possibly can and I assume that you are here for the same reason so why not collaborate?
I try very hard to come across conceited or act that I am better, but I am proud that I am getting my BSN at a respected Nursing School. Do not force your feelings of inadequacy on me! Rant over!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tell Me What You Want To Hear
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
--One Republic
I really like this song because I think it describes my personality. I give all my (personal) secrets away. Why? I think in some way that I can help others by being so open and honest and not worry what others are thinking. I love that I can be this way, it does not bother me when others stare at me wide eyed when I say the things they are thinking but dare not say. I understand that some things should be kept unsaid, and I try to do this when I know that what I say could hurt someone. But what if someone is hurting and feels all alone? They need to know that they are not alone and they should not be ashamed of how they feel. I do not understand people like my husband. He internalizes everything and then he "explodes" when he has had enough and I left standing there thinking, "what just happened?" I know in school they are teaching us not to get too personal with our patients, but I see so many suffering just from loneliness. They can handle the disease but what keeps them ill seems to be the lack of human sympathy. I have been taught to be empathic versus sympathetic in order to have a professional relationship with my patients, but is that really what they want? I am sure that not all patients want to hear my story or see me cry with them but there may be that one person that needs my sympathy.
I remember always telling my husband and family that I am not a people person but I think that is just a defense mechanism. I truly believe that God made us want to have other contact with people and I cannot deny that there are times that I wish I had someone I could talk to..I go to dial their number then hang up...why? I start to say, eh I don't really feel like talking or they might make me listen to them yell at their kids while I am having a break down on the other end. Ha. What is sad is that I have friends, I am funny (not bragging, just another defense mechanism) but for some reason I am stuck in this selfish place where I do not want to deal with listening or I start to get annoyed with what they are saying. I should not be this way, but I tend to do this a lot, especially when my sister calls me. She has two children and the entire time I am talking to her she is interrupting to tell her children something. I understand, I have a child and it is like a magnet when I get on the phone. She wants to talk to me and has a million things she needs and lots of questions. That is usually when I say, "hey can I call you back after she is in bed?" This is getting random. Anyway, I just liked the lyrics and thought they pretty much explain what I am thinking when I am surrounded by so much suffering. I think it keeps me sane to share.
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll light those years
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
--One Republic
I really like this song because I think it describes my personality. I give all my (personal) secrets away. Why? I think in some way that I can help others by being so open and honest and not worry what others are thinking. I love that I can be this way, it does not bother me when others stare at me wide eyed when I say the things they are thinking but dare not say. I understand that some things should be kept unsaid, and I try to do this when I know that what I say could hurt someone. But what if someone is hurting and feels all alone? They need to know that they are not alone and they should not be ashamed of how they feel. I do not understand people like my husband. He internalizes everything and then he "explodes" when he has had enough and I left standing there thinking, "what just happened?" I know in school they are teaching us not to get too personal with our patients, but I see so many suffering just from loneliness. They can handle the disease but what keeps them ill seems to be the lack of human sympathy. I have been taught to be empathic versus sympathetic in order to have a professional relationship with my patients, but is that really what they want? I am sure that not all patients want to hear my story or see me cry with them but there may be that one person that needs my sympathy.
I remember always telling my husband and family that I am not a people person but I think that is just a defense mechanism. I truly believe that God made us want to have other contact with people and I cannot deny that there are times that I wish I had someone I could talk to..I go to dial their number then hang up...why? I start to say, eh I don't really feel like talking or they might make me listen to them yell at their kids while I am having a break down on the other end. Ha. What is sad is that I have friends, I am funny (not bragging, just another defense mechanism) but for some reason I am stuck in this selfish place where I do not want to deal with listening or I start to get annoyed with what they are saying. I should not be this way, but I tend to do this a lot, especially when my sister calls me. She has two children and the entire time I am talking to her she is interrupting to tell her children something. I understand, I have a child and it is like a magnet when I get on the phone. She wants to talk to me and has a million things she needs and lots of questions. That is usually when I say, "hey can I call you back after she is in bed?" This is getting random. Anyway, I just liked the lyrics and thought they pretty much explain what I am thinking when I am surrounded by so much suffering. I think it keeps me sane to share.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I do not want to live in the black hole
The funny thing with bipolar is that you are two different people trapped in one body and both are fighting for dominance. BP2 is not as fun as BP1 because 2 has the depression and usually only acute episodes of mania or hypomania (this is just amped up and feeling good). I love being hypomanic, I get so much done and it is like the dark cloud that has been following me around has been lifted..even if just for a day. It is sad when you can watch commercials for medication for depression and understand the imagery better than the other person watching it with you. Example: Steve and I were watching TV and a commercial for Abilify came on..the woman was talking about depression and there was a large black hole on the ground that kept following her around. Steve did not get it...I had to explain that it was the "black hole" that seems to always be there, waiting to swallow you. I wish I could be as naive as him. It is sad that these commercials make it seem like they have the magic pill that you have been waiting for and that in a few weeks you will be outside playing, talking to people and wanting to live and breathe...not the case for most sadly. I cannot count the different medications that my doctor has tried, all of which have failed. I do not want to be a sad, angry person..I do not want that to define who I am..but if asked that is what I would say. The labile emotions that bombard me daily are exhausting and I would love nothing more than to take the easy way..swallow the magic pill and everything will be "alright".
I am by no means saying that mood medications do not work, they just do not work for me. I have been searching for the cure and one day I hope to emerge from this black hole, but until then I will remain the sad,angry person. I am by no means trying to get sympathy..I just have to state it and move on and that is what I am doing. I just hope that I do not eventually push everyone away and end up in this hole and not realize that I am living and breathing in it. That is the one nice thing about my s/s..I know they are there and I acknowledge them, what I lack is the capacity to change them! So frustrating!!
I am by no means saying that mood medications do not work, they just do not work for me. I have been searching for the cure and one day I hope to emerge from this black hole, but until then I will remain the sad,angry person. I am by no means trying to get sympathy..I just have to state it and move on and that is what I am doing. I just hope that I do not eventually push everyone away and end up in this hole and not realize that I am living and breathing in it. That is the one nice thing about my s/s..I know they are there and I acknowledge them, what I lack is the capacity to change them! So frustrating!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)