Lying

What do you think about lying, I mean little white lies that we tell and don't think anything about. I will give you an example...I have been meaning to quit my job for some time now and just now getting around to it. I have a lot of studying to do today and I was scheduled to work and could not get anyone to cover for me. So when my (young) boss tried to hassle me about me not coming in, I just said..I can't leave my 3 year old home alone! That was not true. She was with Steve and I could have gone but instead of just saying..look I really need to study and I can't handle the stress right now, so sorry, but I can't work tonight. Now the guilt from this is killing me. I want to call and confess but I do not want to hear whatever she has to say about my lying to her. I barely know this girl so she would not understand why I feel the need to confess. Ugh. But I am going to obsess and wonder what God will do to punish me for telling this harmless white lie. I know I only have one reader, a reader who's opinion I value highly :)

Is this really what I want

Have I already lost the passion for what I thought was what the Lord wanted me to do? School starts tomorrow and I am by no means motivated or excited. I am dreading that I am going to be isolated from my family, especially Maggie and my mom. I just have this feeling that my heart is not in it. I am good at the academic part but when it comes to relating to patients, I really struggle. But now in the back of my mind I am going to be wondering how my mom is and if she needs me for anything. I have already seen myself failing this semester, so I am already mentally prepared for the worst. The doctor has given me a new medication to take for the Bipolar disorder but I am obsessing over the possible side effects (Steven Johnson's syndrome) and I have to take it. I think Steve really wants me to take it, not because he wants anything to happen to me, I just think he longs for the wife he remembers. I am so sad that I cannot give that to him.

Oh my, what is a mother to do?

Just found out that Steve's grandmother fell again and it may be that my sitter is going to move to where she lives to take care of her...what am I going to do?? I have been praying that God would show me if this nursing school path is the one that He would have me on...and I am trying to let go and let Him take control but now I am really scared that His answer is No. Trying to remain calm...

Keep it together..

That is my mantra for today...I want to get away. I want to run away. Pretend this life never happened. Those are just a few of the thoughts running thru my head right now...The end.

My mother

For so long my mother has been the rock of which my faith was built. I looked to her for wisdom instead of going to God for the answers. As children we always thought that mom was an angel and that any minute God was going to take her from us. Do not misunderstand, there were times that I could be so angry at her because she would not let me have my way. But I now realize that she was what I was basing my relationship with Jesus on..no wonder I have struggled with my walk because I so desperatley wanted mine to mirror her's. As we as a family are going through this season of trial with my mom battling breast cancer, I have slowly began to feel the Lord wooing me to Himself and showing me that He did not make us the same and there was a purpose for that. He wants a personal relationship with me and that does not mean that it will be the same walk as my mom. People ask me how I am doing or dealing with mom's diagnosis, and most of these people know me very well and how close I am to my mother. How much I have depended on her for my "salvation". I am slowly and akwardly beginning to see that God has a path for me and that I need not look to others to find the way that He would have me go

I am going to loose it today

Dear Lord,
 Give me the strength to make it through today. It is proving to be a very difficult and trying day for both me and Maggie. She is going through her terrible two's and also she gets really bored with me, seeing that I am not the greatest playmate. I am never sure what to do with her and she is my constant shadow throughout the entire day. As I sit here typing this she is right behind me whining at me because she has yet again, failed to get her way. I had to get away, even if it has just been for a mere minute. I need a mommy time out and unfortunately she is unwilling to give it to me. There are times that I envy mothers that work full time and come home and only have to deal with anything for 2 to 3 hours then the kids are off to bed. I miss the working world, especially the financial stability that we once had. Ah well, as the counselor at school said..you chose to have a child. But I know the truth, Maggie was sent to us. We were told that having children would be difficult and of course I had moved on with my life and as soon as I did...bam!! Pregnant. Ah, such is life. This ends today's session as I am being beckoned by my overbearing and very demanding boss.

Blogging for Therapy: As if I didn't have anything else to say

Blogging for Therapy: As if I didn't have anything else to say: "Well I have gone and done it! I have a blog, it will probably be more of a diary for me and something that I may or may not share with famil..."

As if I didn't have anything else to say

Well I have gone and done it! I have a blog, it will probably be more of a diary for me and something that I may or may not share with family. There is so much that I would like to discuss and vent about without worrying who may see it. I tend to say what is on my mind and then people who do not understand what I am doing "try to help" and do not realize that I am just trying to get things out of my mind and put them into words.